[fic] Beep beep beep~ (part 1)

[calaidi]

Fandom: Cultivation Chat Group (novel)
Characters: White Two, Song Shuhang, Lady Onion, Senior White, Nine Provinces Number One Group
Rating: T

A certain mysterious senior joins the chat group. Oh, and so does Lady Onion. Set during some vague time after ~chapter 1592

(So, for the timeline of this fic....Shuhang is at Sixth Stage, but it's some alternate universe Sixth Stage timeline and I didn't reference like. anything immediately leading up to him reaching Sixth Stage either. Also, I stopped reading when a certain thing happens immediately after that tribulation so it wouldn't influence what I was writing (or more like, so it wouldn't influence my motivation to keep writing this lmao).

So basically, if you've read through chapter 1592, you're good on the spoiler front. 👍)

Chapters 1-4: the fic
Chapter 5: a chat log only extra~

---

Beep beep beep~

Chapter 1: Little friend Shuhang, it isn’t kind to tease your seniors like this

“Arrgh, Senior Northern River stole my vegetables again!” Song Shuhang exclaimed. He fell dramatically backward on the bed, his arms sprawled wide. “How is he online literally all the time?!”

“I can’t believe you’re still playing that silly game,” Lady Onion commented as she poked her sprouts out of the size-reducing purse next to him. “But you know, Shuhang, you really need to level up our farmland more. Those seniors come by and steal our vegetables every day, and it’s really embarrassing how little there is for them to steal. There’s no point in hording all those coins. ”

Song Shuhang felt a strong urge to throw the phone at her.

What ‘our’? If you care that much about it, then level it up yourself!

Obviously, she had been logging into his account often enough to make a few changes if she’d wanted to.

Suddenly, a crack appeared in the space right in front of them.

“Yo, Shuhang, someone’s been stealing your stuff?” said a familiar voice.

A slender, black-clothed foot stepped out of the space gate, and then the rest of Senior White Two followed behind it.

“Oh, good afternoon, Senior White,” said Song Shuhang as he sat up again. “Did you need something?”

“Hm, no. I was just heading out to stretch my legs for a bit when I heard you crying about being robbed. So I decided to pass though here first.” Senior White Two smiled slightly. “Need any help?”

It was a smile which promised pain and suffering to whomever was giving Song Shuhang trouble.

However, the cost of a favor like that would definitely be something like 100 or more jokes, no substitutes. Song Shuhang would never be able to afford it.

“Thank you, Senior White, but it’s okay. It’s just a game,” Song Shuhang said.

“A game?” repeated Senior White Two.

Song Shuhang turned his phone around to show Senior White Two the screen. “You build up a farm and harvest vegetables and things for coins to exchange to level it up even more. But you can also go steal crops off your friends’ farms and cause them lots of heartache.”

“What’s the prize you get at the end?” Senior White Two asked.

“Well, there isn’t really an end...or a prize other than points, I guess. There is a leaderboard for who’s stolen the most vegetables, though,” Song Shuhang said.

“Then what’s the point of this game if you don’t win anything and it never ends?” Senior White Two asked.

From what he’d heard of their conversation before, this ‘vegetable stealing’ was a regular occurrence, and from more than one of his friends, too. However, Senior White Two was very confused why anyone would spend so much time playing this ‘game’ or care about it so much.

Song Shuhang pinched his chin in thought. “A feeling of superiority? The thrill of the hunt?”

Senior White Two considered this for a moment and eventually nodded.

That was reasonable.

“Anyway, Shuhang, when are you going to go get me another phone?” Lady Onion complained. “You promised you’d get me a new one after the last one got fried by the tribulation, and it’s been ages since then.”

“That’s true, it has been a while,” said Scarlet Heaven Sword’s voice from somewhere inside Song Shuhang’s torso.

This virtuous lamia had decided to hang out inside his body today, and therefore, Scarlet Heaven Sword was also in there somewhere.

Song Shuhang still was not sure where, exactly, the things which were not actually a part of the virtuous lamia went while she was inside him, but so far, it didn’t seem to cause him or them any harm.

So long as that remained true, he wasn’t going to question it.

Anyway, Lady Onion had a point. He had promised that, and it had been a while since then.

Song Shuhang laughed embarrassedly. “You’re right, Lady Onion. I meant to do that right away, but you know how life gets.”

Lady Onion rolled her eyes. Indeed, she knew better than anyone how wildly out-of-control Song Shuhang’s life could be.

Therefore, he should have been used to it by now, so he couldn’t use that as an excuse!

“Don’t worry, since I have time, I’ll do that right now,” Song Shuhang said. “Hm, do you think I should get one for anyone else while I’m at it...?”

However, he couldn’t think of anyone else who needed one right now. He had finally bought a phone for everyone who was a frequent visitor to/temporary resident of his Inner World not long ago, and other than Lady Onion, none of them had been involved in any phone-destroying situations.

“Well, Senior White would probably be happy to have a few more to play around with,” Song Shuhang decided eventually. Then he paused and looked thoughtfully at Senior White Two. Speaking of Senior Whites... “Oh, what about you, Senior White? Do you want a phone?”

Senior White Two, who had been about to leave, stopped and looked at him with bemusement. “What would I need a phone for?”

“Well, you could use it to keep in contact when you’re...”

Song Shuhang trailed off. Senior White Two could already contact him anytime and anywhere he wanted as long as the Inner World wasn’t cowering, and likewise, Song Shuhang rarely had trouble calling on Senior White Two.

And if he was in a situation where the Inner World was blocked off, a phone probably wouldn’t work either.

“Maybe to stay in touch with your pets?” Song Shuhang suggested.

“I already have a method of staying in touch with my pets,” Senior White Two said. As he said it, his gaze seemed particularly intense.

Song Shuhang got the distinct impression he was being included in that group.

“Cough, well, what about the main world’s Senior White?” Song Shuhang said. “Or you could always talk to other people...”

Song Shuhang trailed off again.

What other people? Senior White Two was the ruler of the Netherworld; he didn’t know anyone in the main world other than Song Shuhang and a handful of the people around him.

Even though Senior White Two had once said he was very popular before ascending to the position of Wielder of the Will, that had been a long, long, long time ago. Were any of his old friends even still around?

And even if they were, would they recognize the Ruler of the Netherworld Realm as their old friend?

“If I wanted to talk to any of my old friends, it wouldn’t be with a mobile phone from Earth, either,” Senior White Two suddenly said coldly.

Song Shuhang: Щ(º̩̩́Дº̩̩̀щ)

Senior White, please, isn’t this just a casual conversation?

What need is there for such heart-rending things as the mind-reading technique? You’ll lose friends like this!

“Hehe,” said Senior White Two.

Anyway, it really seemed like Senior White Two had no need or desire for a phone. In fact, Song Shuhang himself was not sure why he wanted to keep trying to convince him to get one. If he didn’t need one, that was less money and less trouble for him.

It was just that...now that he had thought of it, it seemed like it could be very interesting.

But for now, Song Shuhang stretched out a hand and summoned his clone.

His clone waved to Senior White Two and Lady Onion, then he jumped out of the window and headed off to go buy a few phones.

Having a clone was really convenient. Song Shuhang could send him to do all kinds of things that he didn’t want or have time to do himself. He could even have his clone chat in the group if he wanted, though he had rarely done that, as he generally had more useful things for it to do.

That’s it!

“I know! Senior White, you should join the group!” Song Shuhang said brightly.

Senior White Two, who had again been about to leave, again stopped and frowned down at him. “The group...? Your little group of fellow daoists who like setting off heavenly tribulation nuclear bombs for fun?”

“It wasn’t for fun, it was research,” Song Shuhang said. “But, yes, it’s that group. The Nine Provinces Number One Group. It’s a group of friends, but it’s also a chat group. I’m sure I could convince Senior Yellow Mountain to let you join. You’ve helped us out a lot.”

Lady Onion suddenly spoke up again. “Shuhang, I want to join the group too.”

Song Shuhang smiled and said, “Sure, I’ll ask Senior Yellow Mountain if you can join too. Since you’re my monster pet and the rest of the group knows you, I’m sure he’ll say it’s okay.”

“Wait.” Lady Onion suddenly thought of something terrifying. “Is Immortal Fairy Bie Xue in the group?”

Song Shuhang said decisively, “No, she’s not.”

“Okay, then you can ask Senior Yellow Mountain for me,” Lady Onion said happily.

Senior White Two said, “The fellow daoists in your group are mostly Sixth Stage and below, right? I don’t have much interest in chatting with a bunch of people at such a low level.”

“But Senior White, haven’t you been chatting with me this whole time? And I’ve been a lower level than that for most of it,” Song Shuhang said.

“...” Senior White Two.

“Anyway, I’m not saying you have to chat with them a lot,” Song Shuhang said. “It’s just that I think the style of the group would suit your tastes, Senior White. You see, one of the core principles of the group is ‘equivalent exchange’. If someone does you a favor or gives you something good, you should give them something in return. Likewise, if you help someone, you should get something from them in return.”

Senior White Two nodded. That did indeed suit his tastes. He was a man who believed strongly in the principle of ‘equivalent exchange’.

Song Shuhang continued, “Also, sometimes the seniors will hand out little tasks in the group, and if you can complete it, they’ll give you a reward. It’s a way for the seniors to support the juniors in the group. However, the difficulty of the task should naturally suit the people giving and receiving it. So maybe you could ask the group to help you find some special treasures or rare forging materials you’re having trouble getting your hands on. Things that Lady Onion, for instance, might not be able to get, but someone like Senior Yellow Mountain should be able to.”

“And then I’ll have to reward them, right?” Senior White Two said with a smile. “I doubt your friends will have anything I want, but...it’s an interesting idea.”

“You never know,” Song Shuhang said eagerly. If Senior White Two was actually considering it, then it was time to strike while the iron was hot. “Some of the seniors are part of really powerful and mysterious sects, or they have some connection to something like that. For instance, Senior Seven Lives Talisman’s sect has some connection to the Great Northern Emperor. Also, Seniors Seventh Cultivator of True Virtue and Sixth Cultivator of True Virtue are both in the group, and they like collecting interesting things.”

“And me!” Lady Onion piped up. “The Eighth Cultivator of True Virtue will be in the group soon too!”

“There’s also Senior Skylark, Senior Eternal Fire, who’s the master of the scholarly faction’s golden lotus, and Senior Yellow Mountain, who has some kind of relationship with the current Thirty-Three Divine Beasts Sect,” Song Shuhang said, counting the list off on his fingers. “Oh, and Senior White, of course.”

Senior White Two pinched his chin in thought. Indeed, these were all people he had been wanting to investigate for some time.

Song Shuhang had a pretty good grasp on what things might actually pique Senior White Two’s interest.

“Very well, if you think this ‘Senior Yellow Mountain’ of yours will let me in, I’ll join your group,” Senior White Two said eventually.

“Great!” Song Shuhang was thrilled.

Immediately, he directed his clone to also buy a phone for Senior White Two.

Then he thought about it and instructed his clone to actually buy a handful of phones for Senior White Two.

Senior White Two would undoubtedly want to modify his phone to better suit his needs, and Song Shuhang knew from experience that doing so might require more than one phone to mess with.

Deep inside Song Shuhang’s light of virtue, Scarlet Heaven Sword was speechless.

The ruler of the Netherworld is joining a regular old chat group? No one would ever believe it!

Perhaps...it should also ask to join the chat group...?

---

About half an hour later.

The clone had returned with a bag full of new phones. Song Shuhang gave one to Lady Onion, set one more aside for her in case of accidents, then split the rest in half. One half, he gave to Senor White Two.

Now, the two of them sat together on the bed while Song Shuhang helped Senior White Two get set up and ready to go.

It felt very nostalgic.

Back when Senior White had just come out of secluded mediation, Song Shuhang had been the one to help him with this part as well.

“Senior, what do you want to use as ID?” Song Shuhang asked. They were finally ready to register an account to use in the group.

“’White’, of course. That’s my name,” Senior White Two answered instantly.

Song Shuhang paused and winced inwardly.

Of course, he should have known Senior White Two would want that name. Hopefully, he wouldn’t take the news about it too poorly...

Senior White Two glanced over at him. “What’s the problem?”

“Senior, you can’t use that name because the other Senior White is already using it,” Song Shuhang said.

Senior White Two frowned down at the phone.

It was hard to tell what he was thinking, except that he wasn’t happy to hear that.

“What about...” Song Shuhang started, but he cut himself off before the rest of the suggestion could come out of his mouth.

Lately, he had really been trying to tamp down on his death-seeking tendencies, and suggesting that he try “White Two” would only lead to Senior White Two sending him flying.

Even thinking about it felt dangerous.

So he shut that thought firmly inside a locked box and tried to think of something else.

“I guess ‘Ruler of the Netherworld’ would just end up getting censored, right?” Song Shuhang mused.

Lately, it seemed like he wasn’t getting censored as often when talking about Senior White Two or his identity, but that was generally among people who already knew that information. Putting it out in a public forum like that was different.

Actually, even if he did go with “White Two”, wouldn’t that get censored too? That there were two of them was still somewhat privileged information...

Song Shuhang suddenly smiled. He had a good idea.

“How about this, Senor White?” Song Shuhang said, and he typed ‘beep beep beep’ into the ID box.

Senior White Two frowned at this as well. “’Beep beep beep’? What’s that supposed to mean?”

Doesn’t that just look like a bunch of cursing?

Song Shuhang said, “Do you remember when we first met and you made it so I couldn’t tell anyone about you? Well, if I tried, that’s the sound that would come out of my mouth.”

“Hehe.” Senior White Two’s mouth curled up slightly.

He did remember that.

Actually, now that he thought about it, maybe he should make it so any time Song Shuhang tried to say “White Two”, the same thing would happen.

Song Shuhang said, “Anyway, something like this might actually give the seniors in the group a clue about who you are to them. They only know you as my extra-powerful mystery senior whose name I can’t say.”

“You have a point,” Senior White Two said. “Okay, let’s go with this. I think it’s very interesting. I like the idea of being the ‘extra-powerful mystery senior’ with a name so secret it can’t be said.”

“Okay,” said Song Shuhang, and he finished filling out the rest of the information need to register the account.

Then he handed the phone over to Senior White Two. “Now I’ll go ask Senior Yellow Mountain to add you guys. Senior White, you can finish personalizing your account in the meantime.”

Senior White Two accepted the phone and started fiddling with it.

Song Shuhang took out his own phone and sent a private message to Venerable Yellow Mountain.

Stressed by a Mountain of Books: “Senior Yellow Mountain, I have two fellow daoists here who would like to join the group. Is that okay? The rest of group should be familiar with both of them.”

From the start, Song Shuhang could have just used Senior White Two and Lady Onion’s accounts to request to be added to the group.

However, he knew the Nine Provinces Number One Group was actually fairly exclusive, and not just anyone could join it. Therefore, it was better to ask Venerable Yellow Mountain directly and let him be the one to add them. He probably had his own vetting process.

Venerable Yellow Mountain soon replied, “Sure, little friend Shuhang, you can send me their accounts and I’ll add them. Which fellow daoists are they?”

Song Shuhang sent along Lady Onion’s account number first. “This one is Lady Onion, the 300-year-old monster onion that’s been staying with me. She’s also the Eighth Cultivator of True Virtue. She’s used my account to chat in the group before, but she finally decided she wanted to use her own account.”

Venerable Yellow Mountain: “Have you explained the rules of the group to her?”

Stressed by a Mountain of Books: “Yes, Senior. They both know the rules.”

Venerable Yellow Mountain smiled and wrote, “That should be fine, then. It’ll be good for her to have the opportunity to learn from the fellow daoists of the group.”

Song Shuhang also smiled and said, “I think so too.”

In fact, when he had first gotten Lady Onion her own phone, he had thought about suggesting that she join the group. What Lady Onion lacked most in her cultivation was fortuitous encounters and the kinds of unique opportunities that the Nine Provinces Number One Group provided for its juniors.

However, then things had gotten extremely busy, and he hadn’t had the chance to bring it up. Lady Onion also hadn’t brought it up herself, so the matter had been forgotten until now.

Song Shuhang then sent along Senior White Two’s account number. “The other daoist is that powerful senior who helps me out every now and then. This is his account.”

Venerable Yellow Mountain had just been about to add Lady Onion’s account to the group when this new message came through. He glanced over it quickly, just out of habit.

Then he read it again and got a scare.

‘That powerful senior’?

That senior?

That senior who could bring them in and out of the Demonic Tribulation Realm like it was nothing?

That senior who could create such a simple yet powerful formation to keep them all alive in the face of a heavenly tribulation nuclear bomb?

That senior who had mysterious and extremely exclusive knowledge about the inner workings of the highest levels of the Netherworld Realm?

That senior?

And that senior wanted to join his chat group?

Venerable Yellow Mountain quickly replied, “Cough, little friend Shuhang, when you say it’s ‘that powerful senior’...”

Stressed by a Mountain of Books: “I think Senior Yellow Mountain should know which senior I mean. He’s exactly that same senior who helped with the heavenly tribulation guided missiles and nuclear bombs.”

Venerable Yellow Mountain said nothing for a long time.

Then he wrote, “Little friend Shuhang, it isn’t kind to tease your seniors like this.”



Chapter 2: This little white crane is getting blacklisted ▷▷